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BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
honey, bring out the fine china.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Dumple
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Saying “my body is a temple” is for people with money. When you’re poor, your body is a car. Like no it’s not supposed to be making that noise.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.