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*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.