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Not today.. 😂
Me too
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
wow
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Grading system for students in India:
A – Average
B – Below average
C – Can’t have dinner
D – Don’t come home
F – Find a new family
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)