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“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
For real 🤣
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER