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Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
So let me get this right. The guys on big bang theory are super smart scientific nerds, yet their elevator is broken?!
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Watching someone cook is really sexy.
But I recommend you make sure they are unconscious before you put them in the pan.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Kids are like magicians cause they make all the cups and chargers disappear.
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Education is vital
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.