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Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I’m looking for a new telekinesis class. My old one moved unexpectedly
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.