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A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!