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If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
this is how the alphabet looks from above
– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band