You Might Also Like
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Tapped in
Me to 7yo: Why is your sister standing in the toilet!? Who showed her that?
7yo: Not me.
Me: Good. Because if you don’t wash your feet and did something like that, they would shrivel up and fall off.
7yo: I’ll be right back. I need to…go wash something…
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*