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99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
My time has come.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
My doctor told me to eat more Taco Bell.
Well he actually said “less McDonald’s”, but I’m pretty sure I know what he meant.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
