[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
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can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
the official breakfast of 2021
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
I finally found a reason to live again.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?