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[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Apparently, we have unique tongue prints, just like fingerprints.
So quit licking my windows. I can find out who you are.
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…