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i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
Hero horse inspires millions
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator