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Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
I once stayed at an AirBnB with a big sign above the sink saying to not spit in it. I stood there with toothpaste in my mouth for many minutes before finally spitting in the toilet. I still don’t know what they wanted us to do, and I will never forget.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
*holding your xray up to the light and looking at it*
when did you first notice your back hurting?
“after the knife went in”
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock