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Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Hi, I’m Emma. My hobbies include:
1. Not cleaning
2. Not cooking and
3. Not doing laundry.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.