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My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
what’s the point of liking a tweet if someone who is infatuated with me can’t see it and analyse what it means
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow