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You’re an adult. You can do what you want.
Wait…You have kids? Nevermind.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Me: *screaming along to death-metal*
My child, who I forgot was in the car:
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
One time I fell off a 20ft ladder, then climbed right back up and jumped off a second time to show that ladder who’s in charge.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing