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The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I don’t really understand the rules for Pommel Horse, so either this is all very impressive or I am witnessing some of the worst attempts to sit down I’ve ever seen.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport