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I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Milk Cube
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Never really believed in god before but earlier today I was in the ladies room with a coworker and just about to start talking shit about my boss but then inexplicable stopped myself seconds before said boss walked in, feeling absolutely blessed
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded