You Might Also Like
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Good morning to everyone except my husband who deliberately slept whilst I didn’t.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
I stuck my head out the window and moo-ed at the cows, this date will soon be over.
I have never related to anyone more.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine