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Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Looking at you, Jesus.
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.