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This tweet lives in my head rent free.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
even bears disappoint their mothers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”