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Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
‘I have a migraine’
– An Italian farmer after harvest.
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Windows 11? Bro, I’m rocking 95. Call me when you catch up
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work