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I don’t think my car can fly
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
What the hell is going on?
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Hooters is shutting down a lot of locations, which is very shocking, but even more surprising that an owl themed restaurant lasted that long.
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.