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Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?
ME: You’re an uber!
SON: No, with your phone
ME: Oh, sorry [types]
SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
🤭😂
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Me trying to “trust the process”
oh to be lowered into a toaster with you, my bread slice wife
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.