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I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake