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Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
The honesty is refreshing
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Just picked up half the middle school boys basketball team to take them for burgers after practice.
Not enough febreeze in the world to fix this car now.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Went to cancel a streaming service that was $10.99 a month and they were like “Lol ok you got us how about $2.99?”
Going to spend tomorrow cancelthreatening every service in my life.
? 💀
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far