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Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
any last words?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
You’re digging a deep hole in the sand. Your mother asks if you’re digging to China. You check your pocket globe.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
the girlies are turning into genghis khan
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.