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Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?
Me: I don’t like your tone.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
I’m no good at the pole vault either.
*me flirting
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
#oldknees
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
I can’t wait to get married and not invite ppl who thought they were coming