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familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I love writing tweets but what I really want to do is direct and produce them
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What