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Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
Generation gap…
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again