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Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
ex-girlfriend: why are you here? don’t you have any other place to be?
me pretty sure I left my day planner in her apartment: that’s what I wanna know
“The Perfect Relationship”
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Lmao
The Snickerdoodle is the most sarcastic of the dog breeds
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.