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Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
your honor my client chooses dare
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Kids today will never understand how many ninjas there were in the 1980s.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.