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The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Heroic fire saves man from having horrible house
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*