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Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
like last october and the one before that gotta go to human resources for talking in dracula
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
Felt like I got slapped upside the head but there was nobody around, must have been my guardian angel.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
My blood type is coffee.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.