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Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
If you drink 8 glasses of water a day and exercise for 30 minutes a day there’s pretty much no time for anything else in the day.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
“I want us to exercise together and eat more salads”, I said, turning to the spouse-shaped cartoon hole in the wall.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
This is always good for a laugh.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Peter Pan’s favorite place to eat out is Wendy’s.
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing