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I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Me recordaron éste meme
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
How does someone manage that 🤨
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Open-heart surgery is much simpler than most people realize. The key is not to get hung up on whether or not the patient survives.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]