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Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
this was the best i’ve ever seen
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
SO AFTER I CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON ME I WANTED TO JUMP OUT OF A PLANE AND DIE. ANYWAY MY NAME’S TOM AND I’LL BE YOUR TANDEM PARACHUTE PARTNER
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates