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Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
The devil.
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Cop: *kicks door open* it’s time to take out the trash
Cop’s wife: stop kicking the door