You Might Also Like
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
The main reason I’ve never committed armed robbery is directly related to how terrible I look on security footage.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Good for him.
One cool thing about getting older is that you’re not asked about your long term plan very much.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor