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[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
trying to live my life in a way so if i get shot people don’t talk about how sexy and correct my killer was
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Brat summer is out, attic wife autumn is in. We’re hissing at people. We’re withdrawing from society. We’re growing our hair below our waist. We’re setting fire to his curtains. We’re gaslighting his new side piece.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
happy halloween
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this