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If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
Such bad timing that me having the menopause coincided with everyone suddenly breathing really loudly
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
I’ve stopped trying to explain twitter to my friends and now just say,”I collect tiny imaginary people in my phone using jokes as bait.”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
