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I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
guy who strips completely naked before starting a fight with the menswear guy
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
thanksgiving in nutshell
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
If your pop-by work question takes longer than it takes to toast a Pop Tart or microwave a Pizza Pop, that isn’t a pop-by. Make an appointment.
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
My friends have canceled our lunch plans 3 days in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like lunch.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Of all the typos I’ve seen on here, “terrorists synthesizer” is one of my favourite.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!