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Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
States Where You Can Get Arrested for Wrestling a Bear
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks