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In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I bought a bag of top soil to repair my lawn and as I was leaving, the cashier yelled “GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR HOLE!”
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
You can’t get a good night’s sleep anymore because of woke
I keep getting snagged in seemingly random single threads of webbing in my kitchen, which means I either have a spider casting a web of incomprehensible dimensions (terrifying) or a spider that spends their nights swinging around pretending they’re Peter Parker (delightful)
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
I need this for my side hustle.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
ugh not again
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”