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Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
“you look easy to draw”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
Kids are great bc it’ll be freezing and they’ll complain about being cold and you have to remind them that they can wear pants
i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth