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Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Exercise won’t cure your depression, but it will make you hotter than your ex. Which is sort of the same thing.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.