You Might Also Like
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes
me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
Solving a traffic jam
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.