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waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Both hands Mommy!
-my 4yo the backseat driver.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I’m a self-made hundredaire
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses