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We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Parenthood is stepping in something wet in your socks.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.