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[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
I thought secret rooms would play a bigger role in my adult life. Like the kind of room you access by pulling a book on a shelf or pressing a certain stone on a wall or pulling on a sconce. Also where are all the trap doors?
Hostage negotiator: I don’t quite get your demands.
I’m too immature for adultery.
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Check out my online Assassination Course, where I teach helpful tips like: “Don’t tell your targets you’re going to assassinate them.”
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”