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Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Ok so he just makes this face whenever he meets a president I guess
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend named Jeff. On my 8th birthday, I asked my dad if he could come to my party and he said “Jeff got arrested for stealing a horse.”
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Sure it’s cold, but I’m not going to break a sweat over it.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣