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Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
#Caturday
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Snack for election night!
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Anime henchmen two seconds after the protagonist resheaths his sword
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians