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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
getting a divorce to pursue my true passion: collecting alimony
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.