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“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My circle of trust is a meatball
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.