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My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
knights of the ikea table
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”