You Might Also Like
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Yet the one time I did, I got banned
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
I used to work for a large pharmaceutical company. I used to host a load of fake meetings in the nice meeting room, just so me and my colleagues could have a free coffee and biscuits.
[confessional]
me: father, gooey naan.
father: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much. what’s goin’ on with you?
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.