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God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
I just owned you for three seconds. Possibly five if you’re a slow reader. Up to ten if you read this again.
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
Remember in the early days of the internet, when you’d go on chat rooms and it was just a scrolling screen of strangers yelling random things? It’s amazing how much has changed since then
Gonna put this on a dog and blow some minds
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.