You Might Also Like
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
If Brussels sprouts can be bitter and celebrated, so can I.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!