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A Toronto restaurant has banned actor Zachary Quinto for throwing a tantrum during brunch. If you don’t know who Zachary Quinto is, he’s best known for throwing a tantrum at a Toronto restaurant during brunch.
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Text messages from my mum read like they are from a hit man.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.