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Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.