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I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.