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Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin