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Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
I’m so single even my husband won’t match with me on tinder..
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
God *creates slugs* meant to do this a while ago
Slug: So you’re saying you’re….sluggish haha
God *creates salt*
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out