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Sharon I have some bad news
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
A fake ID that makes you younger
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I’m the neighbor
