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Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
My biggest fear about being on death row is having to choose a last meal. “I don’t know, what do you want?”
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy watching him clean his golf clubs with the wire brush I use for my suede boots.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.