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*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Someone knocked at my door asking if I would like to donate to the children’s home so I just chucked him a few kids
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
peep davidson
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Cashier: Your total is $5,682.52
Me: Hmm…can you take off the replacement razor blades?
Cashier: Yeah, that’ll be $2.99
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.