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me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Spray deodorants love to be like LEAVES NO TRACE!!! INVISIBLE!!!! NO MARKS and then the small print is like “only if the rest of your body also happens to be made of white powder
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.