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[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*