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Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
sistine chapel
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
We DO NOT throw perfectly good food away in this house.
We put leftovers in a Tupperware & let it go bad, THEN throw it out!
LOL
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.