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When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Looking through 15’s yearbook:
Me: you’d crack up looking at my high school yearbook from 1995.
8: did they have color pictures back then?
😒
They should make the last foot of dental floss red so you know when you’re about to run out
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
yea so i messed up lol
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!