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I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Well well well if it isn’t the same bill I couldn’t afford to pay in a different color
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.