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When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Happy weekend !
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
the zen of frog
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.
Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.
People underestimate the Pacific.
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
Meow
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.