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Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Actually cracking up @ this
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
This could be us but you eatin’
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.