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I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
Sorry not sorry.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
If you ask a haunted doll if they’re possessed they have to tell you.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.