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I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean