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Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
Wife: “You talk like some poorly written science fiction novel. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “I swear by the 12 moons of Bumtar I can change!”
76% of pardoned turkeys end up back in the system
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.