Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.

A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids

Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.

I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.

If any of you ever do a podcast about the best foods to eat in the shower, I’ll be your “expert” guest.

sure, why not

*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.

I asked why there was a scale at the estate lawyer’s office. She explained, “Where there’s a will there’s a weigh.”

You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.

“you shouldn’t block people for differing political views” i’ve blocked people for calling a song i like a skip

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

I just threw some bird seed on my lawn and now there are dozens of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…

Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.

That escalated quickly

– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.

This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.

There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.

Tear gas is the saddest gas.

If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.

I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.