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My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
this is literally a CIA plant
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Good lord
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*