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Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Helpful sayings when keys are lost:
“They must be somewhere”
“Where did you last see them?”
“They’ll turn up”
“What do they look like?”
“Have you checked your pockets?”
“And you’re sure you’ve checked everywhere?”
“They’ll be in the last place you look”
“You had them earlier”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Went into a massage parlor & asked for the happy ending, now I’m tucked into bed with a Korean woman reading me Cinderella.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT