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Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
Friend: I feel like half of the country is upset about the election.
Me: (knowing how votes work) slightly less than half.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
me watching my own Instagram story
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)