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Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”