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Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Croquettes are not female crocodiles
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.