You Might Also Like
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
BREAKING: Pluto is once again a regular planet.
“It was always huge & full sized!” said one dwarf planet scientist with a fake mustache.
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN