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interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT