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is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
look, men and women are BIOLOGICALLY different. ever since the cave man times boys have loved cars and girls have loved toy ovens
crying
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
Might start signing off emails with ‘well I hope you’re happy’
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone