You Might Also Like
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Don’t beat an alive horse either.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Coffee ain’t cutting it anymore. I need to eat batteries. 😭
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi