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Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco