You Might Also Like
*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Eating for two.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The hospitality industry is always looking for influencers who can bring visibility to their business. YOU could be that influencer! and having your own professional travel blog is how you do it! Click here to start your own travel blog #ad
We are all just prisoners here of our phone device
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.