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[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
I have so many mood swings I’m basically a park now
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *