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If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.